


Farah’s Guide to Keeping Todd and Dirk Alive, Healthy and Functioning with Arguable Efficiency

by nuttersincorporated



Series: How Farah, Todd and Dirk keep each other safe and happy [1]
Category: Dirk Gently - Douglas Adams, Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: But if you’re wondering this is a happy polygamous relationship, F/M, He's the one Douglas Adams was head writer for, It’s more about their friendship, M/M, No love tringles in my stories, Set after Season 2, The fact that they are dating is background, Why the Fourth Doctor?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-31
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2019-03-12 01:19:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13536615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nuttersincorporated/pseuds/nuttersincorporated
Summary: An ongoing list that Farah starts on how to stop Dirk and Todd getting themselves killed.1.Talk to Dirk about Blackwing. Both Todd and I need to learn everything we can about it so that we can be better prepared if they strike again. Since this will be a difficult conversation, I’ll bring chocolate and Dirk’s squeaky stress toy to help try and keep him calm.2.From now on, I’m going to assume that any stress toy I hand to Dirk is probably Mona. Mona also doesn’t like talking about Blackwing so, holistic actor or not, she’s not great at helping Dirk stay calm when discussing it.





	Farah’s Guide to Keeping Todd and Dirk Alive, Healthy and Functioning with Arguable Efficiency

1.

Talk to Dirk about Blackwing. Both Todd and I need to learn everything we can about it so that we can be better prepared if they strike again. Since this will be a difficult conversation, I’ll bring chocolate and Dirk’s squeaky stress toy to help try and keep him calm.

2.

From now on, I’m going to assume that any stress toy I hand to Dirk is probably Mona. Mona also doesn’t like talking about Blackwing so, holistic actor or not, she’s not great at helping Dirk stay calm when discussing it.

3.

Now that we are more informed about Blackwing, we need to form plans, strategies and protocols. We should have weekly meetings and agree upon safe houses/safe places to meet up if it becomes necessary to go off the grid.

4.

Get Dirk and Todd to download an app on their phones so that they can be tracked if they get lost and a panic button so that I can come save them if they are in danger.

5.

Don’t talk about Blackwing again with Dirk unless absolutely necessary or if he brings it up himself.

6.

Set up a weekly food shopping order to be delivered to Dirk’s apartment. He forgets to eat or buy food for himself unless reminded. This arrangement will just be easier in the long run. Take the cost out of his wages.

7.

Enrol Todd and Dirk in self-defence classes and a First Aid course.

8.

No more cases involving pandas.

9.

Todd needs regular contact with Amanda to maintain a positive mental wellbeing. Make sure they talk at least once a week and meet as often as possible.

10.

Convince Todd and Dirk to move in with me. It makes financial sense, I can keep a closer eye on them and make sure they do things like actually get some sleep and eat enough food. We’ve been dating long enough that this isn’t rushing things, right?

11.

Insist that Todd and Dirk actually attend their self-defence classes, no more excuses. I don’t care if they are on a case or if Dirk sees a cute dog that ‘the universe wants him to pet,’ the next time they miss one of their lessons I’m cutting off their company credit cards.

12.

**DO NOT INVITE THE ROWDY THREE AROUND TO OUR HOME EVER AGAIN!**

13.

Teach Todd and Dirk some relaxation and meditation techniques.

14.

Make Dirk take swimming lessons.

15.

If Dirk has a panic attack and the Rowdy Three aren’t around to absorb his negative emotions, get Todd. If he isn’t there, get him on the phone. Todd is much better at dealing with this than me after years of practice looking after Amanda during an attack.

16.

Enrol Dirk and Todd in an escapology class.

17.

Hang up several piñatas around the office and possibly get a small ball pool before the Rowdy Three’s next visit.

18.

Next year, give Dirk plenty of warnings and reminders before Valentine’s Day comes around. He got very upset when he forgot and it took us ages to convince him that he isn’t a bad boyfriend.

19.

Cases involving the Queen of England are to be encouraged. Possibly we should think about seeking cases from other European royalty and dignitaries.

20.

Sow a tracking device into Dirk’s jacket. He remembers it more often than his phone.

21.

 _Always_  have spare tablets for Todd’s pararibulitis. While he normally remembers to have a bottle of them with him, I’m not risking another attack like the one he had in Atlantis. From now on, I’m not taking any chances. I’ll keep tablets in the office, the car, home and in my bag.

On the plus side, the Atlantis case at least proved that Dirk’s swimming lessons were a success.

22.

If Dirk is starting to get too worked up, follow Todd’s advice and take him to a petting zoo.

23.

Put a tracking device in the spare pill bottle Dirk carries, in case Todd ever has an attack of pararibulitis. It’s the one thing Dirk can be relied upon to always keep close at hand. I  _will_  find a way to keep him out of Blackwing’s hands! I don’t care if he was only in their facility for a week this time. They won’t get him again.

24.

That strange Doctor with the scarf and jelly babies (formally known as Project Phoenix) may be a little eccentric but Dirk needs all the friends he can get. Encourage Dirk to keep in contact with him.

25.

No more cases involving Norse Gods.

26A.

If Mr. Priest ever captures Todd to use as bait again, knock Dirk unconscious and hand cuff him in a locked cupboard so that he can’t do something so stupid again. Get Todd to do the same thing if Priest captures me.

26B.

Shoot Mr. Priest next time I see him or capture him and give him to the Rowdy Three.

27.

Save the cheerleader, save the world?

28.

Cases involving Egyptian Gods are okay.

29.

If Dirk doesn’t get cases regularly enough he becomes twitchy. Buy him some mystery novels and offer to play a game of Cluedo with him.

30.

Do not accept cases brought to the Agency by Angela Merkel.

31.

Never try to reconcile Todd and the other members of his old band, Mexican Funeral, again. It’s not worth the angst. Yes, what Todd did was wrong but he’s a completely different person now. Plus, Ross is just an ass. I get that they used to date and they broke up under bad circumstances but Ross didn’t need to say those things to Todd. It was just uncalled for.

32.

Humour Todd and sing in his new band, Holistic Detectives, with Dirk.

33.

No more cases involving socks, fairies or tracking down sweets that have been stolen from a baby.

34.

Don’t wait to see Mr. Priest again before trying to kill him. Instead, track him down and shoot him several times in the head. He’s not getting near Dirk or Todd again!

At least the tracking device in the spare pill bottle Dirk carries was a success.

**Author's Note:**

> I know it’s Rowdy 3 not Rowdy Three but lest be real here, Farah would write the word three.
> 
> I might write two sequels to this; ‘Todd’s List of Rules to Keep Dirk Happy and Stop Farah from Killing Us Both’ and ‘Dirk’s Plans to do What It Takes to Keep Todd and Farah Safe’. Does a story count as a sequel if they take place at the same time as the first story?


End file.
